Huge Michelle Obama fan here. During an interview some years ago, former First Lady Michelle Obama said marriage is not 50-50. She also said a problem that she sees with couples is that they believe they must be “happy” all the time. Mrs. Obama said there was a ten-year period in her marriage when she “didn’t like” her husband, President Barack Obama. Mrs. Obama went on to add that even with those ten bad years she would take those odds again since she has now been married over thirty years.
Marriage is not always goosebumps and rose petals. The day-to-day intimacy of marriage can sometimes feel like a grind. This month we are talking about marriage; what works and doesn’t work. There is no “one size fits all.” Each relationship is different. Teresa and I have had amazing expert guests to share their thoughts on what is needed for a successful relationship. I thought it fitting to share some tips I’ve learned as well.
This year marks the 42nd year of marriage for me and while I do not profess to know everything, I can absolutely assure you I know a few things about what works and doesn’t work in marriage. I wanted to share some tips with you but rather than share only my thoughts I also solicited tips from a few friends on the subject. I have used initials only for my contributors and will start with the advice I was given. Thoughts on the subject from others follow.
The advice that has been quite helpful to me was given to me by my mother the night before my wedding. I can’t remember her exact words but what she wanted me to know was that I would be setting the tone for my marriage after the wedding. She told me to let Nashid see who I was really was, to be myself. I think what she was trying to say was that if I pretended to be someone I was not, I would not be able to keep up that façade. It would be better to be authentic, warts and all. I didn’t need to be perfect but I needed to be honest about my likes and dislikes so Nashid and I could work through challenges and compromise as needed to make our marriage work.
O, married 48 years
“Communication is key. Couples should be able to talk to each other about anything. Being able to freely express your feelings is most important. This is the gateway to truly knowing someone to determine if this is a good match.”
N, divorced
“My advice would be to listen to your parents. I didn’t listen to mine. My parents loved me and always looked out for my welfare. However, because they were strict and very protective, I just thought they didn’t want me to be with my then boyfriend, who later became my husband. They saw something I didn’t. Due to my strict upbringing, I didn’t know the difference between love and lust. What I thought was love was actually lust. In many instances others can see the warning signs that you miss because you think you are in love with the person. Love can be blind.”
N also added the following advice:
“Before getting married or into a relationship make sure you first feel good about yourself; that you love yourself. When you value who you are and love yourself, you know how to set appropriate boundaries to ensure your growth and well-being in the relationship.”
W, married 35 years
“My grandfather told us “When your teeth bite your tongue, you don’t pull your teeth out. Teeth and tongue have to be in sync; they learn to exist in the same space and work together for the good of the body.” Some days you won’t like each other but with love you learn how to work together, and you can get through anything.”
K, married 13 years
“I believe in “Happy, Husband, Happy Wife, Happy Life.” If the husband is doing everything, he can to keep the wife happy but she isn’t doing the same to make sure he, as head of the household, is happy too, the overall household will struggle. Marriage is a partnership. Both partners are responsible for making sure that each feels valued and love. That is never the responsibility of one spouse.”
I shared earlier what my mom told me before I got married. I now want to share the message I live by in my marriage. Years ago, I found this message on a card in my favorite card shop. As a new bride I believed the instructions were wise and would be helpful as I navigated my new role as a wife. I took the card home and had it framed. This framed message has been prominently displayed in the family room of every place I have lived since then. I wanted to be able to see it each day and remember it’s message if my marriage ever became hard. (It did.) The message below is one I committed to long ago and remain committed to today. It was written by Susan Staszewski.
In everyone’s life there are problems to solve.
Even in the strongest relationship, there are differences to overcome.
It is easy to give up when confronted with difficulties;
to fool yourself into believing that perfection can be found somewhere else.
But true happiness and a lasting relationship are found when you look inside yourself for solutions to the problems.
Instead of walking away when things get tough and blaming the other person,
look for compromise and forgiveness.
Caring is not a matter of convenience.
It is a commitment of one soul to another.
And if each gives generously of themselves, then both lives are enriched.
The problems will come and go,
just like the changing seasons.
But unselfish love is constant and everlasting.
Hopefully our series on marriage and the insights offered in today’s blog can serve to, in some way, make your relationship even stronger.
Lou
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